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19 January 2006 @ 01:01 pm
 
A good friend of mine asked me yesterday, "what do you want to do? What makes you happy?" and the sad thing is; I didn't have an answer. What do I want to do? Well I would love to blow glass and make art, I would love to paint, or decorate or shop even. But I can't make a living off of this stuff because I have not talent. Also lacking in the ambition department aswell. I am a creative person, but I don't have enough creativity to make a living off of it. I also don't have the funds to pay the bills that way either. I think this type of thinking (find work doing something you love blah blah blah) works well for people who have LOTS of talent and creativity. Not for 50% people like myself.

Yeap. That is what I consider myself; a 50% person. I am only about 50% into everything I do. I don't know why either. I have tried to figure that out but I never get to the bottom of it so I give up. I am good at things, but I am not great at anything I do. I used to think this was ok, but now I am not so sure.

I am at a crossroads in my life. This much I know; what I don't know is what I am supposed to do. Life; my life to be more exact, is telling me something. It is showing me what I am supposed to do, what my purpose is supposed to be except, I can't hear it nor can I see it. It is driving me crazy. I lay awake at night trying to figure it out. I sit and stare at blank paper thinking that maybe thoughts and words will start filling up the paper with ideas and things that I want to do with my life. Nothing happens.

I went for a walk today. Put on my MP3 player and took Abbey with me. I was walking and thinking and thinking and walking and only ended up back at home. Now I sit. Thinking and sitting, sitting and thinking... vicious cycle.

I am very lucky to have an amazing husband who supports me and lets me be me. Now I just need to find out what I am supposed to be and do.
 
 
 
kleanstartkleanstart on January 19th, 2006 08:57 pm (UTC)
OK, I know exactly what you are talking about!! Exactly! However, I have no solution because I've yet to find mine either. Hugs~
Jesjesboscoe on January 19th, 2006 09:39 pm (UTC)
I think about going back to school; but for what? I just don't know what I am supposed to do with my life. At least you have children and you know that you want to be a mother. I don't even have that. argh. I am at a place where I know something is supposed to happen and everything around me is telling me this, except I just can't hear it. I don't want to figure it out when its too late. ya know? I am sure I sound crazy...
kleanstartkleanstart on January 19th, 2006 10:20 pm (UTC)
No, you dont sound crazy. It's good that it bothers you and that you care about your life/future. Most people these days don't care about tomorrow. What have you always wanted to do? There's got to be something that you truly enjoy and are good at. We do not have to be a perfectionist at whatever it is that we like as long as we give it our all. You like dogs, don't you? You ever thought about working at an animal hospital. You'd enjoy knowing you were helping sick animals? I dont know, only you know what that is. I hope it surfaces soon! Hugs~
starlight42 on January 20th, 2006 09:15 pm (UTC)
I feel your frustration. I feel like I'm wasting time sometimes, in doing things I dont' feel are important. I know I could do so much more...than the job that I have. I figure at some point, things will fall into place. Maybe I should get more ambitious!
Jesjesboscoe on January 22nd, 2006 06:53 pm (UTC)
Don't you have a college degree? I don't and for the first time in my life I am thinking that I made a mistake by never finishing school. I just am at a point in my life where I feel like I have to decide what kind life I want for me. Do we want to have a child? If so, should I start a career now? What career? Go back to school? for what? It just sucks. I wish I could turn back the clock a few years ya know? I used to sit around and wait to see what was going to fall into place and when, but now I want more than that. does that make sense?
starlight42 on January 23rd, 2006 01:04 pm (UTC)
That totally makes sense. I do have a degree, but when I got it, I didn't know what I wanted to do. My parents were paying for my college, I had to go then, if I wanted that opportunity. I couldn't wait a couple of years to figure out what I'd really enjoy. Anyway, a communications degree is so vague...I wish I'd gotten something more marketable! But oh well, that's one thing I am very proud of, that I finished and got my bachelors. I think what you need to decide first, like you mentioned, is if you guys are going to start a family soon. That will change what you want to do, whether you can afford to stay home, find something from home to do, maybe find a quick degree in something you might like etc. It's hard. Dave has his associates and wants to go back for his bachelors, but there's always something that seems to prevent that- most of it being lack of time! Working 55 hours a week is a lot, plus remodeling around the house...now that we're hoping for a baby soon, that will add. However, it's impt. that he gets it, just a matter that it will take a while! Good luck!
toe2toe on January 20th, 2006 11:18 pm (UTC)
What happened to the job??
Jesjesboscoe on January 22nd, 2006 06:50 pm (UTC)
I hated it. I was getting acid reflux and all kinds of stomach problems because I couldn't stand it anylonger; so I left.